Find Your Bali

Bali, July 2018:

I thought I was going to die…like actually die. I suddenly found myself second-guessing my decision to chase after an Instagram worthy picture because at that exact moment I was sitting on the back of a scooter flying down a narrow mountainous road.

A nomadic acquaintance tried to reassure me by calmly stating we had complete control of the brakes. However as I held on a little too tight and squeezed my eyes closed, I knew that was entirely not the case.

So how did I end up in Pura Lempuyang, Bali, on the back of a scooter with a stranger, holding on for dear life? Whelp, let’s back track—shall we?

 Last year I entered my seventh year as a high school teacher, and honestly, I started second guessing my career choice. No, this is not a post about the lack of appreciation for teachers, even though the lack of gratitude is a real problem. I was simply exhausted. I taught three different preps with maxed out class sizes. I was also the curriculum lead for all three preps meaning that I designed the majority of the lessons and the exams.

The professional part of teaching was only one facet of my job. My students are like family. I have always cared greatly for them, so I constantly poured myself into my job making sure they were “ok.” A lot happens in high school, and when you’re young, everything feels as if the world is ending. In a community obsessed with perfection, I worried about my students. I always made sure I was there for them when needed. I was burning out.

When the school day ended, I came home to an even more stressful situation. My marriage wasn’t working—at all. We were constantly arguing, and I was always crying. My parents were, and still continue to be, the best role models for marriage. In trying to be in tandem with them, I did whatever I could do to make my marriage work: attended counseling, canceled plans with friends, and changed my entire personality to fit this particular mold of marriage.

Unsurprisingly none of that actually worked. Instead I was burnt out with work, unhappy in my marriage, self-isolated from family and friends, and completely lost to who I was as a person. I became so many things to so many people that I forgot who I was to myself. I desperately needed a change. It was in that moment of helplessness and despair that I remembered what I always told my students:

There are days that you may feel defeated and down, and that the whole world is against you; but you are never stuck. You can always push forward. You can always change the course or direction in your own life.

My amazing family and I, not in Bali.

As teachers, we sometimes forget to take care of ourselves when serving others.  I forgot about myself. In fact, I lost myself. I needed to take my own advice, and push forward.

So I did.

I filed for divorce.

I finished the year out teaching.

While I can steadily write those two sentences now, the process was everything but easy.  The unwavering support of my family and friends helped me through the divorce, and the hilarious personalities of my students (you all know who you are) helped me finish my year teaching.

But—something was still missing. I was still missing.

I booked a last minute flight to Bali.

My love for traveling and adventure have never steered me wrong in the past. I figured if Bali worked for Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love, then it could work for me too. Bali indeed changed my life. I rediscovered myself there. Bali’s sheer natural beauty of looming volcanoes and lush terraced rice fields exuded peace and serenity. I trekked in the jungle in the middle of nowhere. I got way too sunburned at Padang Padang Beach. I sank (literally) into the rice fields near Amed. I made the best of friends in Canggu, and I ran away from all the monkeys in Ubud.

Not only did I venture into the unknown, but also I picked up the pieces. I laughed loudly, sat silently, and talked way too quickly with a new found excitement for life once more. Fast forward back to my scooter hurling down the side of a mountain towards Pura Lempuyang, and we are officially all caught up.

Life is hard. Sometimes really hard. In fact, in the realms of “adulting,” I’m not quite sure if I’m making it. I am a divorced, almost thirty year old who totally changed the path of her life; yet I think I’ve finally come to terms with it all. In a sense, my scooter ride to Pura Lempuyang symbolized my life this past year: crazy, unpredictable, and a little out of control. But when the ride ended and my nerves subsided, I was facing the Gates of Heaven—one of the most beautiful and breathtaking views I have ever seen. I suppose that’s like life too. When all the craziness subsides and you hold true to your new path, you are left with something absolutely beautiful.

So book that flight. Find your Bali. Discover the people, the places, the things that leave you marveling at life because while everything may be in complete disarray, you may end up exactly where you needed to be the entire time.